Catherine Elizabeth
by TheSouthLondonShaman
Summary: When Howard recieves some bad news, the lives of the Boosh gang are turned upside-down.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Vince! Naboo! Bollo!" Howard shouted, panicking. The goth fairy, the shaman and the ape all came through to the living room, annoyed to have been woken up.

"What do you want, Howard? It's seven in the morning and we didn't get to bed till four!" said Vince.

"This had better be good." Naboo threatened.

Howard couldn't speak, he just pointed. On the coffee table was a large basket.

"What?" asked Vince, exasperated. Slowly, Howard walked towards the basket and lifted a small bundle out. He cradled it in his arms and carried it over to the waiting three.

"She was on the doorstep. She had a note attached." He held it out. Naboo took it from him, and read it aloud.

"_Dear Howard,_

_This is Catherine Elizabeth Moon. Your niece and goddaughter. I'm very sorry, but your sister Natalie and her boyfriend Joseph both died in a car crash. Natalie had written in a will that she wanted you to look after Catherine if anything happened to her._

_So, I'm leaving her here. I know that you'll take care of her, and raise her well. Once again, I am very sorry._

_Ruth Whiting, a friend of Natalie's."_

"Howard, I'm so sorry." Vince whispered.

"Do you want to be alone?" asked Naboo.

"No. It doesn't matter; we were never really that close. What are we going to do with her?" He asked, looking at the baby in his arms.

"Look after her." Said Bollo, as if it was obvious.

"But none of us have any idea how to raise a child!" Howard panicked.

"We learn." Bollo replied simply.

"Look, Bollo's right." Naboo said. "What else can we do? We're not going to dump her on the street. We'll manage, don't worry."

"Yeah, we'll all pitch in and help. We're a team!" Vince said enthusiastically.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Right. Let's make a list of everything we need to buy." Naboo said, insistent on bringing organisation into it. Howard, Vince, Naboo, and Bollo were sitting on the sofa, trying to work out what to do. They were all still in their pyjamas, because Howard had insisted that they sorted out what to do there and then, instead of going back to bed. Howard was still holding Catherine, who was fast asleep.

An hour later, they had compiled a list. It read:

Clothes

Shoes

Socks

Pyjamas

Nappies

Changing mat

Baby wipes

Cotton wool

Baby shampoo

Baby bubble bath

Baby towel

Baby bath

Talcum powder

Cloths

Backpack/nappy bag

Bottles

Steriliser

Milk

Baby food

Dummy

Bibs

Pushchair

Baby carrier

Cot

Car seat

Playpen

Toys

"Do we really need all that?" asked Vince.

"And more." Naboo said. "Look, I wouldn't normally do this, but here's my credit card. It's got shaman magic in it. No limits, no bills, it's brilliant! You'll be able to buy everything you need."

"Cheers, Naboo, that's genius!" Vince exclaimed.

"There is one condition, though." Naboo said seriously.

Vince's face drained. "What?"

"Howard's in charge of it." Naboo's face broke out into a grin. Vince scowled at him.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Howard, you can't dress her in tweed."

"Why not?"

"She's done nothing to deserve it!"

"Well, what would you suggest?"

"Jeans, t-shirts, dresses, leggings, tights. Not tweed suits!"

"Fine! But no I have to approve everything you choose."

"That's not fair!"

"Who's her legal guardian?"

"Fine." Vince huffed.

They finally left the shop, exhausted. They had four bulging bags of clothes. Next, they went into a supermarket. They'd already bought everything they needed apart from food and toys. They bought baby formula and baby food. Vince and Howard were amazed at how many flavours of baby food there were, despite the fact that they all looked like colourless mush.

Finally, they went into a toyshop. Vince ran around with a trolley, picking up almost every toy in the shop. Howard followed him around, embarrassed. Vince was oblivious to this, and had now rushed to the till with Naboo's magic credit card. He ran over to Howard with huge bags stuffed to bursting point.

"Howard, this shop's ace!" Howard smiled at Vince's child-like innocence.

"Come on. We've got to get back. I can't believe Naboo convinced me to let him and Bollo babysit!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When they got back, Bollo was holding Catherine and Naboo was telling her a story about his home planet, Xooberon.

"…And Chassodan, the rabbit from Xooberon, lived happily ever after." He concluded. Catherine had fallen asleep on Bollo's chest with a contented smile.

"Hi Naboo!" Vince whispered.

"Did you get everything?" asked Naboo.

"Yeah, we got everything on the list."

"Cool."

Catherine started writhing and crying in her sleep. Howard Picked her up and cradled her in his arms.

"Hey, there, little lady!" Her eyes fluttered open. She looked at Howard. He'd never noticed how beautiful her big blue eyes were. They stayed there for a few moments, silent and still, staring at each other. Then, Catherine began to grizzle again.

"Are you hungry?" Howard asked. She wailed in the affirmative. "Bollo, would you heat some milk please?" Bollo nodded and did as Howard asked. A few minutes later, the ape handed him a bottle of warm milk. He nudged it against her lips, and she began to drink thirstily.

"You like that, don't you?" Howard cooed. She hardly took a breath while she drained the bottle. "Naboo, what on earth do I do now?"

"Burp her then change her." Naboo said knowledgably. Vince looked disgusted. A faint look of revulsion passed over Howard's face, but he didn't object. He silently collected everything he needed, and walked into the bathroom with Catherine over his shoulder.

"How can he do that?" Vince exclaimed.

"He's got to. Someone has to, and it's not like any of us would." Naboo told him.

"Bollo would." The ape grunted.

"You couldn't, your hands are too hairy!" Naboo pointed out. Bollo growled quietly.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

At 3 am the next morning, the flat was woken by a piercing wail. Howard, Vince, Naboo and Bollo all groaned. Howard rolled out of bed, bleary-eyed. He stumbled about in the dim light before finding Catherine's cot. He picked her up and nestled the child in his arms. Rocking her gently, he sang a lullaby softly. As her eyelids began to droop, Howard laid Catherine back into her cot, smiling fondly. He made his way back to bed, falling gratefully back asleep.

Later that morning, Howard woke up and lifted Catherine into his arms again. He held her close for a moment, then put her back down while he had a shower and dressed. He walked back into his bedroom and took Catherine through to the kitchen.

"Do you want some breakfast?" Howard cooed.

"Yeah, I do. Naboo and Bollo probably will too, I saw them getting up." Said Vince as he walked through the door, smiling.

"Hi, Vince. You sleep ok?" Howard asked, passing his friend some cereal and taking a jar of baby food from the fridge.

"Not bad, apart from the wake-up call at three in the morning."

"She doesn't have an off switch." Howard replied. Vince just grunted in response.

"Hey guys." Came a voice from the doorway. Naboo stood there, with Bollo behind him. As soon as he saw Catherine, Naboo went straight over to her. "Hello, there. And how are we today?" He asked the laughing child.

"You're brilliant with her, Naboo. How do you do it?"

"She just likes me, I guess." He smiled and sat down. Howard began to spoon baby food into Catherine's mouth.

None of them would admit it, but they loved being a family.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Howard! Howard!" Howard ran. He had never heard Vince scream like this. This was a scream of pure terror.

"What's happened?" Howard burst into the room he, Vince and Catherine shared. Vince was standing by his bed, his eyes filled with fear.

"I only put her down for a minute, I swear! I didn't think anything bad would happen to her!"

"Vince, what's going on?"

"She fell off the bed! Howard, I'm so sorry!" Howard didn't say anything. He rushed towards Vince's bed. Crouching down, he scooped Catherine up gently.

"Phone an ambulance." He almost whispered, standing up. Vince nodded silently and left. Several minutes later, a screaming siren could be heard as the ambulance came hurtling around the corner towards the house. Paramedics banged on the door. The two men glanced at each other then raced downstairs, Howard still cradling Catherine.

"What happened?" a doctor inquired when they arrived.

"She fell off a bed." The doctor made some notes on his clipboard.

"What's her name?"

"Catherine Elizabeth Moon."

"Which of you is her biological father?" asked the doctor, still not looking up.

"Neither of us, actually." Vince replied.

"How are you related to her?"

"I'm not."

"Are you a babysitter?"

"No."

"What about you?" The doctor asked Howard.

"I'm her uncle."

"Are you her legal guardian?"

"Yes, I am."

"Come with me please. I'm afraid your friend will have to stay here." The doctor walked along a corridor, and Howard followed. Vince sat down on a chair in the corridor and began to wait.


End file.
